An Epiphany Invitation for Families to Wonder Together

“What goes on in her head?” I wondered aloud, many years ago, watching our brilliant and quirky cattle dog patrol the backyard. “Mostly squirrels,” came the quick reply from my oldest son, at the time about 8 years old. Which turned my wondering to his sweet head, and what might go on in there. My oldest is a puzzle wrapped in an enigma; a child of early developmental trauma who joined our family at 15 months with a long list of complex diagnoses that would only grow across the years. Late to speak—he had not begun babbling nor responding to his name when he came to us—remarks like “mostly squirrels,” from him, were extra golden for being as witty as they were insightful. 

My boys are now 22, 18, and 15, and I continue to wonder daily what goes on in their heads, and more importantly, in their souls. Thanks to Jerome Berryman and Godly Play, the most powerful parenting phrase in existence has been an ongoing part of our relationship. “I wonder” has diffused the tension of misunderstanding, opened the door to hard conversations, and placed curiosity above judgment in many challenging parenting situations. When one of the boys came to me regularly for help navigating the complexities of his first real relationship, I credited those late night, sometimes tearful conversations to the times “I wonder” had replaced “What were you thinking?” across his childhood and adolescent years. 

In the fullness of family life, I think parents find ourselves too often filling the role of Director and Administrator and yearning for more time to go deeper with our children. As our kids grow up, they naturally pull away from us and our questions about their days, their friends, their feelings and moods, their thoughts and opinions – these are often met with monosyllabic grunts, rolled eyes, and even resentment. All normal and developmentally appropriate, but so worrying for parents who know that our children live in a deeply complex and sometimes frightening world. 

In her Wondering Together Project, Sally Thomas, DMin (a longtime and beloved friend and colleague who did not ask me to write this blog), has given us a brilliant and deceptively simple way to keep lines of communication and connection flowing – cleverly designed as a coaster or tile for the table, as seen below. She’s also done the research that shows the adolescents in families she studied were often the most dedicated to wondering together at the end of the day.

Sally’s thoughtful design brings together the spiritual depth and routine of a Daily Examen practice with the wondering of Godly Play in 5 questions.

1. I wonder what part of today you liked best?
2. I wonder what part of today was the most important part?
3. I wonder when you felt most alive today? (My family sometimes substitutes: I wonder when you felt God at work in your life today?)
4. I wonder what part of today you would have liked to leave out?
5. I wonder how you are feeling?

As we enter this season of Epiphany, I want to invite all families into this practice of communication and connection with children of all ages. For very young or nonverbal children, make adjustments as needed that still ask and leave space for your curiosity and their responses. For instance, for question 3, you might say, “I noticed how happy you were on the swings at the park today – I wonder if that was when you felt most alive?” For older children, allow space for awkwardness and resistance, even while holding that same space for them to engage, even if it is slowly or with some snark at first. Keep trying, keep inviting them with the understanding that this is a judgment-free zone, and keep modeling – at an appropriate level of course – vulnerable honesty in your own responses.

Please note that like the Family Question Jar I wrote about many years ago, in The Wondering Together Project it is vital that parents include themselves in this family storytelling practice. The intention here is not to deceive our children into telling us more about themselves, but to truly open ourselves to one another in daily epiphanies of relationship. Children who have an understanding of who their parents are, in mind, body, and spirit, feel more connected and safer to reveal themselves, especially as they grow up and seek their own identities. Likewise, teaching our children to wonder about the inner lives of others, especially those with whom they’re in relationship, and to communicate their own, is a solid foundation for healthy connection now, and in their futures.