Spontaneous and Rote Prayer with Children

The winter break was coming to its close, and my youngest had a request.

“Mommy, can we pray that I will be brave for school tomorrow?”

Returning to the hustle and bustle of the classroom is not easy for a young introvert, but she knows that I will always pray with her. Spontaneous prayer is in my comfort zone, as I was raised with that being the daily routine. While undoubtedly formulaic at times, it is nevertheless easy for me to call up phrases in the moment. In fact, for many years, I considered reading prayer books lazy. I also admit, I was a judgmental young person.

The Episcopal Church tradition is rooted in the prayers of others, to the point that I have encountered many Episcopalians who find spontaneous prayer challenging. Put them on the spot, and they freeze with uncertainty, and likely default to The Lord’s Prayer. 

The truth is, one way is not better than the other. All prayer goes before God’s throne. All prayers are heard, whether they are spontaneous, rote, or wordless. As I teach my children to pray, I strive for balance. The repetition of familiar prayers can act as a regulation of the nervous system, while the variety of spontaneity allows us to recognize that God loves each individual. The memorized prayers, just like memorized Scripture, burrow deep within us and will likely come to mind in moments when nothing else seems right. Prayers of the moment keep us in touch with the present, a recognition that even when we feel small, there is a great God who cares for us. 

Prayer is our access to God. It decenters us from our own story. It is less about finding the answer and more about remaining open to how the Holy Spirit works in and through us. Anytime we think that we are on our own, prayer reminds us that we are not. When my children are struggling with friendships at school, we pray for grace and patience. We pray for the parties involved in disputes and we pray that we can forgive the ones who have hurt us. At mealtimes, we pause in gratitude, not just for the meal, but for all the moments that we can see the good gifts of God in our lives. 

There is no perfect prayer because there are no perfect people. All the methodologies and acronyms in the world cannot make you “better” at prayer. I have found that different stages of life benefit from different ways of praying. In seasons of grief and anguish, I lean heavily on the written prayers of others. When I’m feeling unsettled, I visit the labyrinth at our church because it facilitates a meditative walking prayer. My teenage daughter and I have referred to a beautifully written collection of liturgies for navigating these fraught days of girlhood angst. Throughout the day, I pray in my own head and heart for grace and strength to parent the stubborn, loud, disappointed, overwhelmed, and occasionally obnoxious children of mine. 

It is how we practice the love of God.

So we have known and believe the love that God has for us.
God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them.
—1 John 4:16

In my practice of praying with my children, I have used a variety of resources. Here are the ones we’re using most frequently right now.

Camp Blessings, which are silly and fun, often make their way into use at our mealtimes. The Johnny Appleseed blessing is a perennial favorite.

To Light Their Way: A Collection of Prayers and Liturgies for Parents by Kayla Craig really gets down into the nitty-gritty of struggles with prayers for babies and baptism, transitions, and friendships. Many of these prayers find their way into a spontaneous prayer session. 

Feminist Prayers for My Daughter: Powerful Petitions for Every Stage of Her Life by Shannon K. Evans has been a particularly good resource for me as I raise sons and daughters to understand things about themselves and the world we live in. 

There are also some great acronyms that can help you use spontaneous prayers.

ACTS

• A is for adoration, which can be noticing attributes of God (e.g., goodness, compassion, faithfulness, etc.)
• C is for confession, noticing our mistakes, and asking for forgiveness.
• T is for thanksgiving, which is expressing gratitude for all the gifts God, big or small. 
• S is for supplication, the requests we make for ourselves 

The word PRAY can be used to a similar effect.

• Praise: Worship God for who He is.
• Repent: Confess sins, ask forgiveness, and the strength to do better.
• Ask: Make requests for yourself and others.
• Yield: Listen quietly for God’s guidance.

No matter how you choose to pray with your children, all prayer is effectual, all prayer is a connection between God and us.