For each Grow Christians post we share on co-parenting, we offer this disclaimer: We are aware that our experience does not reflect that of other people in a broken relationship. We are lucky. With the help of friends, therapy, and prayer, and the privilege of flexibility to work on making us each the healthiest versions of ourselves, and a commitment to kindness with one another, we have a relationship in which repair and reconciliation are ongoing.
Who do you go to when self-doubt creeps in? What about when there is something inordinately frustrating with family or work or the kids? While friends, journaling, and therapy all offer relief on the regular, sometimes I go to my co-parent. He has known me as an adult longer and more consistently than any of my friends or family. He knows the work I do inside and out because he stood by me for years of it. He has endured and enjoyed countless family events with my side of the family tree.
Similarly, I walked with him through job changes, seminary, and all the touching and terrible moments with his family near and far as well. It’s much easier to talk about current stressors with someone who knows the backstory and is familiar with the players. I also trust him to be honest with me about whether or not I’m being my best self in the moment and which biases or bad habits I need to check.
As a continued disclaimer, he is a priest, and I am a teacher, so we both listen for a living. We are both trained in pastoral response, but maybe my point is the value of a relational response. We have empathy for the other that no one else can quite share. To continue supporting each other relationally by listening, we better enable ourselves to listen to each other when a parenting question pops up.

As co-parents, it is important to us that we are a united front and on the same page with the other with our boys. Cordial communication is essential. Even when we don’t see eye to eye, it’s helpful to remain side by side as co-parents. Just like Jesus offers us a way to pray in Matthew in Luke and the Book of Common Prayer and other resources offer us prayers and liturgies for all kinds of moments, there are a variety of scripted responses we can choose from to ensure we engage clearly and authentically, while also honoring our ongoing partnership.
Some examples include:
- Agreed 100%
- What are your thoughts?
- Tell me more about your line of thinking here.
- It’s important to me that the boys understand (insert family or personal value here), so…
- I disagree because…, but what if… (and offer a compromise/alternate)
- I can’t get behind that
- I need some time to think more about this.
- When you…, I feel/felt…. Can you…
We can talk more naturally now, but when we were freshly separated and when things get tense for whatever reason, scripts—of our own composition or suggested by professionals—have been a helpful resource. We have learned what to keep impersonal and what is indeed personal. Each positive or even neutral interaction fuels the gratitude I have for my co-parent and his flexibility and grace, further building our positive rapport and willingness to work together.
No one knows our kids like we do. No one loves our kids like we do. No one takes our kids’ missteps as personally as we do. Parenting is hard for anyone, whether your co-parent is a former spouse, former partner, or grandparent. When, as Jesus suggests, we lead with love toward engaging with others, embrace a childlike curiosity (wonder why), and rely on the wisdom of our community, we set ourselves up for an open and generous conversation that shows our children that even when we disagree, we can co-exist in love for our neighbor.
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