My oldest daughter was just home for a short visit. She’s a senior in college now, and about to turn 21. I thought I would take the opportunity to ask her in person about how her faith life as a child and teen helps her in her life as an adult-ish type person.
Yes, it’s true, I have a hard time calling her an adult.
When we had Nia almost 21 years ago, we lived in Ann Arbor, Michigan. We did not attend church regularly. My husband and I are both Episcopalian from birth, and attended church regularly until college. Other than attending when we were at home, we both took an extended break from church. Neither of us felt compelled to find and join a faith community until we joined our church 13 years ago.
Nia was very active in our church, and went on to play guitar at our family service, acolyte, work on VBS, etc. She was active in diocesan youth programs, and served as our diocesan camp counselor for two summers. I thought she would find some kind of faith community up there. She didn’t.
Nia: I got to BGSU and there were a bunch of church groups that are not very liked unless you are super-religious. I got the vibe that I wasn’t cool to go to church or be involved with churchy things. I felt like I had to choose one life or another when I got there. I didn’t understand until later that I didn’t really have to choose. Being a person of faith is a personal thing for people, and it can be for me.
Me: What prevented you from going to church? There’s an Episcopal church right on campus.
Nia: The groups that I saw on campus had names like H2O and Crew. I didn’t see anything that looked like what I was used to at church. I didn’t see the Episcopal Church advertising what they were doing, and it’s kind of far to walk there from where I lived. It just wasn’t visible or accessible.
Me: I get it. It’s ok. So how, if at all, does your faith upbringing help you, particularly since you don’t have a faith community up there [at college]?
Nia: My faith upbringing has made it easier for me to sustain a relationship with God that I’m happy with because it is purely what I want to do. The ways I pray are the ways I pray. I don’t need anyone to tell me how to do it. I know deep within that I should show kindness, forgiveness, and thoughtfulness to others. I have the foundation, and now that I’m on my own, I can do these things in my own way.
So friends, take heart. When you’re not sure if what you’re doing is making a difference, put those doubts and fears aside. Keep doing what you’re doing, especially when you feel it’s going awry. An authentic faith is one that isn’t always easy, and may not look like what you thought it would. But when you help your child build their faith foundation, you’re providing something for them that’s tough to erode.
I pray that you and yours find a faith like Nia’s – one that’s authentically yours. I pray that someday, like her parents before her, she reconnects with why church – not only faith – matters.
How do you discuss faith matters with your adult children?
What a very generous gracious post to share! I know a lot of parents who would have felt like they had failed if their child stopped going to church – but I agree with you that each person needs a faith that’s authentically theirs. As long as we never stop looking for the truth, God will always have room to speak into our lives!
Thanks for your feedback, Sara! Yes, I believe in sharing the truth – good, bad, and ugly. I pray that she keeps looking for her community, or creates it.
Thank you for sharing, Miriam and Nia. “I have the foundation, and now that I’m on my own, I can do these things in my own way.”
I believe Nia’s story is the story of her generation–and the reason why denominations continue to shrink. Perhaps the question to ask would be: What are some of the ways we can help young people, college students and graduates, etc., find not just that sense of connection with God, but also with a faith community? Instead of complaining that progressive youth ministries are failing to “give Jesus” to folks, are there lessons we can learn of what they do? Would it be possible, for example, for denominations to find new life by directing young people’s desire to serve their neighbor via church programs that do exactly that?
Great question Hugo! There is a lively conversation going on in the Forma Facebook group in response to this post. We’re asking questions about the high school to college transition there, but I think your question about faith and service is another wonderful line of inquiry as well.