I miss, no ache, for busyness.
In busyness, we find temporary worth, and get an “importance-rush” that nails us to the hamster wheel of frenzy. Busyness is not necessarily productivity, just the opportunity to take my hamster wheel out for a nauseating, hectic spin. The problem is that I misconstrue busyness as worth, and see this self-gratifying obsession as noble.
Am I the only “good Christian” who has made this discovery? Do you, too, long for activity like your soul depends on it? Then living in quarantine causes your soul to panic? Living as a missionary on support adds volume to the propaganda I already believed: Do in order to be.
“Be still and know that I am God!”
—Psalm 46:10, NRSV
Four years ago, I embraced mommyhood. With that, all my ministries were put on hold or handed over. I thought I could carry my daughter, Olivia on my back, and continue to serve the community as if she wasn’t there. Ha! That lasted about 45 minutes before reality hit me like a 2×4.
Necessarily, I sacrificed ministry, productivity, and busyness for the sake of my family. The African community whom we serve gladly took over what I had been busy with. This new season didn’t feel glorious at all, more like reading ABC books over and over again, and dreaming of going to the bathroom by myself.
Being a missionary mom meant mundane moments. I missed the busy, reminiscing of the praise and excitement of it all.
Everyday Olivia and I would go to and from school in a small taxi. This was our new normal life. One day, I was by myself in a taxi, and blown away at God’s healing for my heart.
The taxi driver spoke up. “Hi, I am Kabang. I watch you all the time with your daughter and her friend. You go to and from school every day. I did not believe that someone intentionally values kids. This is love from God. You can not know how much your actions have spoken to us taxi drivers”. He teared up, inspired.
A taxi ride became holy from the presence of God. Mundane had meaning, since it was done in love. My choice against busyness had purpose.
God might not be calling us to hamster-wheel spinning. That often leads to more anxiety. God is calling us to everyday moments. Our cooking and walking, our watching children moments done in love illuminate Christ. People watch us “be” and witness Christ in the “being”. This rings true in times of intentional ministry and especially now in “down time”.
As quarantine rampages, I pray that our worth would be found in God, in just being His child. I pray that the busyness would come out of fulfillment in Christ, and not the other way around, in order to fufill ourselves. I pray our worth would not be connected to our activity, but would be based on who our Heavenly Father is and being still in His presence.