The Visitation’s Lesson on Friendship

Parenthood can make friendships a lot more complicated.

If you have or have ever had young children, you know what I mean. We all want to stay as close with our non-parent friends as we were before kids. But once the baby’s here? We also want (and need!) to sleep whenever we can, which usually means Friday night hangouts are a thing of the past. It can be hard to have conversations with toddlers running around. It’s not any easier to make friends with other parents, either—such friendships depend on aligning schedules, whether or not your kids are friends with their kids, and what your culture and values are. In a word: complicated.  

I knew from the beginning of parenthood that having a community—a real community—in which to raise my child was important to me. I wanted other parent friends to learn from, to commiserate and celebrate with, and I wanted my child to have plentiful friends around his age as well as other grown-ups he could trust. I imagined a reality where I could sit and have vulnerable, life-giving conversations with dear friends while our kids played upstairs. I envisioned walking to playgrounds with my son and meeting up spontaneously with other people who were both close friends and also parents of similar-aged children, laughing and sharing our lives together. 

The ideals I treasured for what this community would look like soon hit the brick wall of parenting reality, in which time and social energy were precious resources. Many other parents, I discovered, didn’t have the time or energy to run into friends spontaneously on a playground and engage in soulful conversation. Many parents had other children as well and didn’t feel the same draw towards having a community of friends for their children. And then, of course, there were the self-imposed judgements we all had for one another: Who lets their kids play with toy guns? Who feeds their children only organic, minimally processed foods? Who is a stay-at-home parent and who leaves the house for work? Who lets their kids have phones? Who gives time-outs and who thinks discipline is unnecessary? 

Although many of us, I think, long for a strong parent/child community, there are so many societal forces standing in the way of that ideal, some imposed from society, others imposed by ourselves. Yet, as the story of Mary’s visitation with Elizabeth suggests, parent-friends can be some of the most important people we can have in our lives.

When the angel visits Mary and gives the news that she is pregnant with the Son of God, she is also given the news that her older cousin Elizabeth, who has not yet been able to conceive, is in her sixth month of pregnancy. By sharing this with her, it’s as though the angel is suggesting that bringing a new life into the world is something best done in community, and Mary’s first act after receiving this news is to leave for the “hill country” of Judea where Elizabeth lives. Elizabeth is older and Mary is younger, but Elizabeth doesn’t respond with judgement or superiority to Mary’s news; she blesses her. And Mary doesn’t say anything snarky about Elizabeth’s age; instead, as she was probably (at least in part) running from the consequences of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy, she finds safety and comradery with Elizabeth.

And she stays—she stays for three months. What happened during those three months? I like to imagine they comforted each other through all of the trials of pregnancy, both physical and emotional. I also wonder—since Mary proclaims her famous “Magnificat” in the presence of Elizabeth—if they talked about how they were going to raise their children to be forces for justice and peace in the world, and how they were going to be faithful in their parenting to the vocations God placed on their hearts. I like to think that over those three months, a new kind of friendship developed between them. I like to think that Jesus and John became who they were due to, in part, the friendship between their mothers.

Jesus offered some well-known teachings about the importance of friendship, going so far as to say that there was no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. I imagine he learned about friendship, at least in part, from his parents and their friendships. In the story of the visitation, we get a small window into one of the parent-friendships that probably shaped his and John the Baptist’s life. 

The church recognizes the important role that other adults can play in the life of a child with the inclusion of godparents in the baptismal liturgy. But other parent-friends can be grafted on at many other times to the life of a child and the child’s parents, and these relationships are worthy of honor, care and recognition. Our children learn the gifts of long-term friendships through how we model and live them out in our own lives – and these friendships are sacred. Thanks be to God!

Image Credit: Pittman, Lauren Wright. Mary and Elizabeth, from Art in the Christian Tradition, a project of the Vanderbilt Divinity Library, Nashville, TN.